My daughter has finally done it. She has reached that age where it is not only awkward for her father that she has become a young woman. It’s awkward for me!!! I mean in the last three months she has gone from baby faced doll to alarmingly attractive young lady.
It is this terrible transition that has spawned a much reviled reflex in her mother which I like to call “age blurting.” Pretty much goes like this. We walk through Walgreens or some other generic retailor. Some twenty something boy leers at her and I turn, look at him and blurt-
“Don’t check out my TWELVE YEAR OLD daughter!”
I think we all remember that time period where we were just old enough pass for a teenager, but still young enough to want to lie about our age. There will be no such lies, apparently, while in my custody because I am incapable of stopping this ludicrous behavior. Please tell me I’m not alone.
Poor Claire. It’s not bad enough her father knows every musician in Fort Worth…that she will never be able to crash a bar without him receiving a phone call. Now she has a mother with an uncontrollable impulse to announce her age to every man who glances at her sideways.
Case in point. We got a limo in Vegas for my IM celebration. Twelve people crammed in, including some rather attractive thirty something ladies. When we get to the Palms and everyone gets out, the Limo Driver says to Claire-
“I think you need to have your picture taken in the driver’s seat of a limousine, honey!”
To which I calmly and sagely reply “I think you need to back you pedophile ass up off my TWELVE YEAR OLD daughter, buddy!”
OK, that part was in my head, but I did manage to age blurt on her behalf before the picture. You’ve never seen anyone go from cool guy to anxious “oh no…I think I’m a pervert” in that short a period of time. Awkward.
So, what I’m thinking to help myself stop acting like a complete and total idiot is this. What if I sharpee her age on her forehead, like they do on our calves in Triathlon? Is that too much?
I await your opinions in this regard. TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER…