Ah Napa…

OK, so the Wine Fairy took me and Stacey to Napa for five days. FIVE DAYS!!!! I can barely survive two days of the WF here in Fort Worth and basically I was going to her mother ship??? What is wrong with me?

Anyway, we flew out on Virgin first class (yeah baby), and noone even asked for verification as to whether or not Stacey was actually QUALIFIED to fly Virgin, which really I thought was inevitable…you know…given her twenties and all? Nope, nothing. So we found ourselves seated in the first row of first class on the swanky, white leather seats with the purple ambient lighting, flying out to San Francisco for our big time.

The WF had a little preflight insomnia, so she sawed zzzzz’s most of the way. Stacey and I did what we always do- that being drink screwdrivers the entire flight and self entertain. This flight was particularly worrisome for two reticent flyers as we would be flying directly over the Asiana plane wreck, which was still being examined on the runway! The pilot even joked he would “not hit the sea wall” on the landing, but if we wanted to see the wreck it would be on the left side of the plane. Which was my side.

We had a lovely male flight attendant who literally physically groped all three of us during the flight. No joke. He rubbed Stacey’s shoulders, heated a water bottle and ran it up and down my neck, and adjusted the WF’s seat by straddling her?!?!?!?!?! Wow, the Richard Bransom will do anything for business. The best part was when sweet little Carl, my aisle partner, complained that as the only gay man he wasn’t getting the same quality of service. The Flight Attendant said, “any port for me, my friend” and gave Carl a massage too. The people in the rows behind us must have thought they had jumped a Hedonism flight. It was definitely awkward.

Day one in Napa was superior. We had a delicious dinner at Brix- with a phenomenal view and a photo bombing waiter who was just SURE that the WF was in the industry. The more we denied it, the more he was certain. We got all sorts of special treatment-the chef even came out. AND most importantly I went three for three on blind tastings of white and red. (Just the type, not the fancy stuff) The WF was so proud. I listened. Anyway, we then went to this fancy spa/hotel for celebrities for one drink for its amazing view and THAT’S when thing went horrible wrong.

We walked in and took a table on the porch, and this table of three men and one women next to us pipe in with, “sit there at your own risk, we have been drinking since one.” Really? Did you just throw down a who can be more obnoxious and inappropriate challenge to three Texas ladies? It was ON like Donkey Kong, my friends. The WF and I were in our usual form and we successful berated, cajoled, and embarrassed them all to the point that they felt obligated to buy all of our drinks and a baseball hat for good measure. Usually, I would have insisted on paying for my own drinks, but since we had determined that one was a paid lobbyist and the others worked for an unnamed gambling corporation, I felt mighty fine drinking their drinks. Kinda like sticking it to the tobacco or insurance lobby- you just have to when you get the chance, cause most of the time you get it stuck to you. Karmic Parity, my friends. Seriously though, this group was raucous, funny, and having a wonderful time. I’m thinking I might need to hire a lobbyist soon…

The next day we met up with wine rock star phenom Jason Moore of Modus Operandi, which was awesome. This kid basically decided one day to make wine, hoofed it to Napa, and made it happen. The wines were excellent AND it turns out he is a full on Crossfit Koolaid guy. No, he has the Crossfit shoes, both kinds, and he and his wife go to the games every year. We compared our FRAN times, and he even invited me to test out his Crossfit box the next day. Unfortunately, drinking large quantifies of good wine, it turns out, it NOT conducive to explosive exercise utilizing Olympic methods. Who knew? So I was disinclined to go make a fool of myself, particularly since my FRAN time is approximately the same amount of time he ferments his wines…that is to say, I suck at it. Still, what a great, charming guy with an exceptional product. I might have, as punishment for his own overly zealous FRAN time, accidentally challenged him to race Jon Bonnell in a foot race, loser buys me Oysters? Come on, that is a bet you guys KNOW you want to take.

The next day we went to several venues and ultimately met up with a pretty famous “wine” attorney. Turns out this guy was part of the team that finally stuck it to OJ Simpson on the civil case. Pretty sweet, right? His sassy wife joined us and we hit the biggest dive in Napa. Big fun. I sure everyone with us enjoyed it cause, let’s be honest, does it get any better than a couple of lawyers talking about law? I mean, it’s like verbal porn, right? Like reading 50 Shades out loud. We know, we are so freaking entertaining. Ummmm….

More tomorrow.

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